This has got to be one of the hardest things parents today have to learn. As a married couple parents struggle with difference in views of how their children should be raised, and they type of discipline. Every parent can see the positives and negatives of how they were raised, and often want to raise their children with the positives. The problems usually occur when the parents were raised very differently from one another. These issues increase when the parents never married or are divorced. You not only have different view points, but you also have the struggle of past personal issues between the two parents. It is extremely hard to put the issues between the two parents aside, and only concentrate on the differences regarding the children. An argument about visitation can quickly turn into an argument about what happened while the two parents were together. How do parents get past "their past" and begin a "child focused future"?
I don't have the answer! I am in the same boat as everyone else in the situation, but I have found some great websites that have made me stop and think about the situations a little more in depth. Co-Parenting101.org, coparenting.org, andhttp://helpguide.org/mental/coparenting_shared_parenting_divorce.htm I want to share with you some things that I have been thinking about, and hopefully some of you co-parent's can share a little about your views. The main things that I have found not only in my co-parenting relationships, but through research is: Communication, Being "Child Focused" instead of "Parent Focused", and Respect. All of these seem to not only have their own identities in the co-parent relationships, but separate identities as well. Without Respect you generally lose Communication and then you lose being "Child Focused".
My question is: How do you respect someone when your always arguing with that person? In some cases: How do you respect someone who has hurt your feelings and caused so much pain for you in the past? For me those two questions are easy, but I have found a question that I haven't been able to truly answer. How do you respect someone who has either hurt your kids or never really participated in being a parent in the past? Arguing is easy because you simply stop. You allow the little things to just go, and the big things you sit down and write out the pro's and con's, your opinion as neutral as possible and let the other parent do the same. Give them your paper and politely ask them to do the same thing so that the two of you can respectfully discuss the situation. The part of them hurting your feelings and causing you pain in the past is just that it's in the past. It's not about you and him/her anymore your ex's for a reason. It is about the wonderful child the two of you created together. The hardest one for me is respecting my ex's that have hurt my kids or not really been a parent. The only solution I have for this is to be there for my kids, to always remember to act with dignity, keep my morals and beliefs to a high regard, and take a very deep breath.
Communication has definitely been a down fall for my co-parenting relationships. It always seems like communication is fine and everything is going the way it should, and then suddenly the communication stops. Usually this happens because either they or I have gotten upset about something and when communicating the reason for being upset just starts an argument. I have no real solutions for this except to keep trying.
"Child focused" instead of "Parent Focused" today was the first time I have EVER heard this phrase. This is truly the phrase that got me thinking. I always thought of my co-parenting relationships as "Child Focused", but when I was doing my research I realized that it hasn't been. It's not completely my fault or my ex's fault it is just a very fine line that often gets crossed, and because of this leads to arguments or loss of communication, and too often loss of respect. My understanding of the phrase "Child Focused" instead of "Parent Focused" is that you keep all communication about the children not about who is dating who or what is going on in each other's lives. How much easier would it be if you and your ex never talked about your past relationship or your current lives outside of the children? I don't think who the other person is in a relationship should ever matter unless that other person is harming the children. If that person is doing illegal activities, or causing harm to the children then there needs to be communication about it. I don't see how this could not work even if one side of the co-parenting relationship is unwilling to stay on the line of "Child Focused". If at least one parent keeps all communication strictly about the child(ren) then the conversation can't go to the "Parent Focused" side.
My plan is to begin focusing more on the "Child Focus" co-parenting with open communication and respect. I will let you know how it turns out.
TJ
MariammaJones said Dec 24, 2011
Very Nice! Today is the first day I've heard of child focused vs parent focused communication as well. Thanks for sharing this info and relaying your situation in the process. We're all struggling with the "How to deal..." issues and it's good to know I'm not the only one struggling with the process
Terra said Dec 26, 2011
It is very important for us all to realize that we are not alone. I will check in every now and then in order to update the "Child Focused" idea of Co-Parenting as I do more research. It will also help since my plan is to begin this type of process. The more I looked into it the more I can truly understand the benefits of a "Child Focused" Co-Parenting. It is very obvious that you and your co-parent can not be in a relationship as a couple, but you have no choice other than to be in the co-parent relationship together. If the only reason you are still having to be in each other's lives is the child(ren) then why should any communication or concern for each others lives be anything except "Child Focused". Why does one ex care about the other ex's current relationship status, who did what wrong in the past relationship, or how you are spending your time when your not with your children? It simply isn't any of the ex's business any more! It is very hard for some to move from the relationship that the two of you had together to the co-parenting relationship. I believe the "Child Focused" Co-Parenting is the only way to truly help the child(ren) accept the relationship going from a combined parenting relationship to a co-parenting relationship.
TJ
Terra said Dec 28, 2011
The following quote was sent to me via the Contact Me form...
Maybe the Co-parenting thing has to do with the other parent not wanting their child around trash or being taught immoral values. So therefore it IS important who the other parent is with or where they choose to spend time. It's called being a "real" parent and protecting the child from bad influences.
This one is a little more difficult for me to answer, however I am going to attempt to answer this as I would for someone sending me this message without me having knowledge of the actual situation. Children are being taught immoral values via TV, radio, music, peers, etc. Each parent in the co-parenting relationship is going to have their own set of values, and it is each parent's responsibility to teach the children their moral values. Overall the children are going to grow up deciding on their own what their moral values are. The thoughts of the person who is currently with your ex being someone you don't want your children around are typical of a "Parent Focused" co-parenting, and not a "Child Focused" Co-Parenting. You’re not always going to like nor do you get the choice of who your ex chooses to be in a relationship with, but you do get the choice of being a positive role model for the child(ren) and teaching them that you recognize their right to have their own feelings regarding your ex's relationship with someone new. Unless the other parent or that parent's new partner are being abusive mentally or physically to the child(ren), or involved in illegal activity as the other co-parent just leave it alone. Co-Parenting with the "Child Focused" attitude means that unless it is about the child(ren) you don't even talk about it. Being a "real" parent means remembering that your child(ren) are hurting regarding the co-parent's not being together, and eliminating one parent, continually talking bad about the other parent, or arguing on a day to day basis with the other parent is just causing them more hurt. Realizing that everything you do today in regards to Co-Parenting will affect how your child(ren) view you when they get older and look back at their lives. In my opinion and my choice as a mother I want my child(ren) to see that positive role model that made every attempt to help them with the changes in their lives, and not the negative role model that continually caused them more pain. We made the choice to have a relationship with our co-parent's which led to that parent being a part of our child(ren)'s lives, and with that it is our responsibility to remember that the children deserve the right to have a continued relationship with that person.