Long-Term Relationships are almost non-existent today. We find ourselves celebrating a relationship that has lasted to 15 or 20 years instead of those 50 year marks. Celebrating a relationship lasting 15 or 20 years is important, but what happen to the lifelong commitment of relationships? It's not because no one wants to be in these types of relationships, but perhaps with all the stress of an everyday life working hard at one more thing is just too much work. We have all fallen into a belief that making everything in life easier is for the best, so why can't relationships be easy too? The fact is we can make some of the everyday stresses in life easier, but making a relationship easier is work.
The most common relationships seen today are the split family relationships. I sat down and looked at all of my friends and family and the relationships that they are in. For instance take your friends list on Facebook or other social network site: See how many are in a relationship where they have kids only from their relationship. See how many are in a relationship where they have kids from other relationships? See how many are in relationships where they have no kids, and this is their first committed relationship? I think you get the idea. When you look at the totals of the relationships just within that list you typically don't get the 50year celebration very often. A lot of it relates to the fact that we are waiting to get in committed relationships at an older age, and a lot of it is that relationships just are not easy.
Now trust me when I say I am not someone you should take relationship advice from, but I do know one thing for sure Love is very important. When I look back at my previous relationships I notice a pattern, besides there not being love other mistakes were made.
Communication
Communication was the number one issue in every relationship I have ever had except one. The person you are with is the person you plan to be with for the rest of your life, right? Then start by being honest with yourself, and honest with him/her. If you cannot tell that person how you honestly feel about something then there is already an issue in the relationship. One thing I have heard over and over throughout my life is the phrase "learn to pick your battles". I disagree!! I don't believe it is picking your battles, but learn when to pick your battles. If you are upset about something your partner has done (or not done) take a few moments to really think it out, and then take time to calm down so you can talk about it not yell about it. Most fights begin because someone is upset, and must discuss the problem right then and there. If you take a few minutes to follow three easy steps you might find a better way. My opinion on these steps is: 1. take a walk in their shoes (what has been going on with them that may have caused them to do something one way or to not do something) 2. How would you want them to treat you if the issue was reversed? 3. Ask your partner to sit down and talk, hold hands, and then let them know what you have an issue with and why...then listen. Now I have skipped straight to #3 because I was too upset to care about 1 and 2. It still worked because you’re still having a conversation instead of yelling at each other. If you go the other route and "pick your battles" then your partner never knows he/she is upsetting you, and at some point you will be too upset to have a conversation. You can't hold in something that upsets you, and then just go off. Your partner is most likely going to ask: it hasn't bothered you until now so why the change and oh so you've just been living a lie pretending this doesn't bother you. One simple disagreement turns into several disagreements.
Support
Support is another reason why I don't think relationships last, and can also be an issue for all sorts of relationships not just couples. This issue is evident in all types of relationships including: friendship, family, and couples. Every person is an individual first, and a couple, friend, brother/sister, son/daughter, etc..second. We often find that when we get into a relationship we tend to believe that we must agree on everything. Listen, tell them your opinion, and then support them in whatever decision they make even if you disagree. Attempting to control another human beings life is a sure fire way to lose them. Accepting the fact that they are an individual, and supporting them through life can build a better relationship. Now I am not talking about supporting someone who wants to commit suicide, murder, any crime, or lying down and allowing someone to walk all over you. If the person in your life is committing a crime the odds are they are going to get caught, and no longer be in your life. If your there supporting them during it odds are you’re going to go down with them. The support I am talking about is when it is a decision about something that truly does not affect YOUR life. You are the only one that can make decisions that affect your life, unless you stand there and allow others to do it for you. If your partner makes a decision that you cannot support, because you are that against it then you need to really think if the relationship is worth being in. Support is a mutual thing and must be given both ways. If your partner is deciding on whether to stay at a job they hate or go back to schooling, give your opinion, and support their decision. If you have come to your partner about a choice you are considering, then you should listen to the opinion take time to consider it, and then make your decision.
Frequent Physical Contact
Have you ever seen an elderly couple walking in a store or at the park holding hands, and thought to yourself that's what I want? I guarantee you that this couple has held hands all throughout their relationship. It's those moments when your partner reaches over and gently touches your knee, holds your hand, or even just places a hand on your back as your walking through a crowded place that in the long run matter most. It's a simple way to say I love you or you matter to me. The phrase "actions speak louder than words" is a great example for this. You can tell your partner every few minutes that you love them, but if you don't touch them then how does he/she see it. You can't expect to not touch someone out of love until you want sex, and expect them to believe that the relationship has any more meaning to you then sex. A sexual desire for someone is not what maintains a long-term relationship, but a desire to be near and share a life with someone is.
Your Appearance
The way you feel is typically the way you look. My favorite example of this is when you’re sick and someone says you look like crap...my response is always thanks I feel like crap too. When you begin to get comfortable in a relationship typically your appearance does too. The first thing you should ask yourself is: How did I look when we were dating? I am not talking about that first date when you got really dressed up, but that time between the first few dates and becoming a couple. When he/she would come over and you would spend a whole day or weekend together is the times you really need to look at. How did you look during those times? Now? If you got up and got dressed every day then, but now you hang out in your pj's all day if you’re not going anywhere. Everyone has a few days of those, but if it is becoming a regular thing then is he/she going to look at you the same as he/she did then? You can't control nature taking its place in your body, but you can control what you do with it. If you’re sitting back wondering if your partner is going to remain faithful or has a wondering eye the first thing to consider is if your still doing what you can do to gain his/her eye. If you are then honestly you can't control what the other chooses, but if you’re not change it.
The fact is relationships are work, and what you put into them is what you get out of them. The work has to be mutual because if only one person is putting in the effort then that person is just going to get what the other one is putting in....nothing. Please be sure to read my Disclosure, and remember that I am not a professional. This is only my opinion based completely on what I have learned through research, and several failed relationships.
Resources: I did a basic search of long-term relationships do's and don'ts here are a few websites I enjoyed.
http://www.ehow.com/how_2386719_have-long-term-relationship.html
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/5-secrets-to-a-successful-long-term-relationship-or-marriage/
http://ezinearticles.com/?4-Things-All-Successful-Long-Term-Relationships-Have-in-Common&id=3791575
http://ezinearticles.com/?3-Things-That-Can-Ruin-Your-Relationship&id=2436825
http://www.improvingyourworld.com/relationships/things_you_could_be_doing_to_ruin_your_relationship_without_even_knowing_it_001497.html
The most common relationships seen today are the split family relationships. I sat down and looked at all of my friends and family and the relationships that they are in. For instance take your friends list on Facebook or other social network site: See how many are in a relationship where they have kids only from their relationship. See how many are in a relationship where they have kids from other relationships? See how many are in relationships where they have no kids, and this is their first committed relationship? I think you get the idea. When you look at the totals of the relationships just within that list you typically don't get the 50year celebration very often. A lot of it relates to the fact that we are waiting to get in committed relationships at an older age, and a lot of it is that relationships just are not easy.
Now trust me when I say I am not someone you should take relationship advice from, but I do know one thing for sure Love is very important. When I look back at my previous relationships I notice a pattern, besides there not being love other mistakes were made.
Communication
Communication was the number one issue in every relationship I have ever had except one. The person you are with is the person you plan to be with for the rest of your life, right? Then start by being honest with yourself, and honest with him/her. If you cannot tell that person how you honestly feel about something then there is already an issue in the relationship. One thing I have heard over and over throughout my life is the phrase "learn to pick your battles". I disagree!! I don't believe it is picking your battles, but learn when to pick your battles. If you are upset about something your partner has done (or not done) take a few moments to really think it out, and then take time to calm down so you can talk about it not yell about it. Most fights begin because someone is upset, and must discuss the problem right then and there. If you take a few minutes to follow three easy steps you might find a better way. My opinion on these steps is: 1. take a walk in their shoes (what has been going on with them that may have caused them to do something one way or to not do something) 2. How would you want them to treat you if the issue was reversed? 3. Ask your partner to sit down and talk, hold hands, and then let them know what you have an issue with and why...then listen. Now I have skipped straight to #3 because I was too upset to care about 1 and 2. It still worked because you’re still having a conversation instead of yelling at each other. If you go the other route and "pick your battles" then your partner never knows he/she is upsetting you, and at some point you will be too upset to have a conversation. You can't hold in something that upsets you, and then just go off. Your partner is most likely going to ask: it hasn't bothered you until now so why the change and oh so you've just been living a lie pretending this doesn't bother you. One simple disagreement turns into several disagreements.
Support
Support is another reason why I don't think relationships last, and can also be an issue for all sorts of relationships not just couples. This issue is evident in all types of relationships including: friendship, family, and couples. Every person is an individual first, and a couple, friend, brother/sister, son/daughter, etc..second. We often find that when we get into a relationship we tend to believe that we must agree on everything. Listen, tell them your opinion, and then support them in whatever decision they make even if you disagree. Attempting to control another human beings life is a sure fire way to lose them. Accepting the fact that they are an individual, and supporting them through life can build a better relationship. Now I am not talking about supporting someone who wants to commit suicide, murder, any crime, or lying down and allowing someone to walk all over you. If the person in your life is committing a crime the odds are they are going to get caught, and no longer be in your life. If your there supporting them during it odds are you’re going to go down with them. The support I am talking about is when it is a decision about something that truly does not affect YOUR life. You are the only one that can make decisions that affect your life, unless you stand there and allow others to do it for you. If your partner makes a decision that you cannot support, because you are that against it then you need to really think if the relationship is worth being in. Support is a mutual thing and must be given both ways. If your partner is deciding on whether to stay at a job they hate or go back to schooling, give your opinion, and support their decision. If you have come to your partner about a choice you are considering, then you should listen to the opinion take time to consider it, and then make your decision.
Frequent Physical Contact
Have you ever seen an elderly couple walking in a store or at the park holding hands, and thought to yourself that's what I want? I guarantee you that this couple has held hands all throughout their relationship. It's those moments when your partner reaches over and gently touches your knee, holds your hand, or even just places a hand on your back as your walking through a crowded place that in the long run matter most. It's a simple way to say I love you or you matter to me. The phrase "actions speak louder than words" is a great example for this. You can tell your partner every few minutes that you love them, but if you don't touch them then how does he/she see it. You can't expect to not touch someone out of love until you want sex, and expect them to believe that the relationship has any more meaning to you then sex. A sexual desire for someone is not what maintains a long-term relationship, but a desire to be near and share a life with someone is.
Your Appearance
The way you feel is typically the way you look. My favorite example of this is when you’re sick and someone says you look like crap...my response is always thanks I feel like crap too. When you begin to get comfortable in a relationship typically your appearance does too. The first thing you should ask yourself is: How did I look when we were dating? I am not talking about that first date when you got really dressed up, but that time between the first few dates and becoming a couple. When he/she would come over and you would spend a whole day or weekend together is the times you really need to look at. How did you look during those times? Now? If you got up and got dressed every day then, but now you hang out in your pj's all day if you’re not going anywhere. Everyone has a few days of those, but if it is becoming a regular thing then is he/she going to look at you the same as he/she did then? You can't control nature taking its place in your body, but you can control what you do with it. If you’re sitting back wondering if your partner is going to remain faithful or has a wondering eye the first thing to consider is if your still doing what you can do to gain his/her eye. If you are then honestly you can't control what the other chooses, but if you’re not change it.
The fact is relationships are work, and what you put into them is what you get out of them. The work has to be mutual because if only one person is putting in the effort then that person is just going to get what the other one is putting in....nothing. Please be sure to read my Disclosure, and remember that I am not a professional. This is only my opinion based completely on what I have learned through research, and several failed relationships.
Resources: I did a basic search of long-term relationships do's and don'ts here are a few websites I enjoyed.
http://www.ehow.com/how_2386719_have-long-term-relationship.html
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/5-secrets-to-a-successful-long-term-relationship-or-marriage/
http://ezinearticles.com/?4-Things-All-Successful-Long-Term-Relationships-Have-in-Common&id=3791575
http://ezinearticles.com/?3-Things-That-Can-Ruin-Your-Relationship&id=2436825
http://www.improvingyourworld.com/relationships/things_you_could_be_doing_to_ruin_your_relationship_without_even_knowing_it_001497.html