This blog will be one that is continually updated depending on the passengers that join me in my cab, and if this run makes a good story.
It has been a long while since I have posted a blog. My life has been filled with changes, and spending a lot of time supporting my partner with her new company. Now that weebly has kindly got an app for android phones where I can post more regularly....let the blogging begin again. :)
Valentine’s Day: I believe like many others in this world that it is a commercialized holiday to increase sales of products. I don't know of any holiday that is not like that in some form which shows that us as the consumers have proven to the marketing departments how to make money off of the holidays. The holidays are what we make of them, and the choices we make determine so many factors. For me Valentine's Day is a lot more than another commercialized holiday, because it is one day out of a year that can give courage to the scared, confidence to the shy, and for many a feeling of being loved when they felt unloved. It can also be a day of great sadness for those who have lost loves, or high expectations for certain events to happen that become unfulfilled. I asked myself a question a week ago as I watched my kids gear up for this holiday. What was my best valentine's day? I have great valentine memories with my kids, but for the personal connection meant by valentines there was only one Valentine’s Day that I will never forget. I had gotten a huge chocolate Hershey kiss, which didn't last long, but the person who gave it to me and the way it was given made a lasting memory. It's not the gift that is given, but the way you go about giving it that creates a memory. A memory worth holding onto even during Valentine's where you have lost a love or high expectations shattered.
Memories last forever flowers, chocolate, and yes even jewelry are temporary. When someone gives you a memory as great as the one I received in Junior High you always will cherish, and love that person even if it's just for that one memory. What is your Valentine memory that will last you a lifetime? Will that memory last through even if you and that valentine don't work out? If you haven't had one yet just remember someday someone will create one for you. Happy Valentine's Day For my kids and my memory maker: Thank you for being my Valentine's I will love you always. I was reading a blog I had wrote but never posted, decided to update it, and post it because it truly was something that needed to be expressed.
Prior to Christmas I watched my oldest son as he worked hard at creating gifts for families and friends. It was a project that he learned how to design in Spanish class, but he took it a step further and expressed himself through it. As I sat here and watched him design specifically for certain individuals I realized the joy, satisfaction, and pride he showed through out his physical expressions. It is amazing to see that fill someone to the point of acknowledgement by pure sight of their body language. After Christmas I began teaching my daughter to crochet, and once again got to see the pride overwhelm her physical appearance. These wonderful gifts of creation that so few attempt to learn, because it's so much easier to purchase an item then to create one. Having that joy, satisfaction, pride, and love through the ability to create was truly a miracle. Miracles are what we call things when the unbelievable happen! I don't believe that miracles are just for the unbelievable, but for the everyday doubters, the misused or underused gifts being used joyfully, and for the hope that an idea could bring joy to others. I watched as a group of people joined together, not all knowing each other but all having one person in common, to help someone build a project then join together for dinner before returning to the project at hand. Although each person was very different from one another they had found a common interest in helping someone they all knew. Never have knowing each other prior to this morning by noon when they joined for dinner it was as if they all had always been friends. It is that miracle of using the gifts to create rather it be a simple crocheted item or creating a building that bring joy to another being that bonds people. Each and every person that had a hand in that project will look upon the building they helped create with pride, and a knowing that it brought joy to another person. None of them will look at that building without remembering those that they worked beside, or the unmistakable (although perhaps short term) bond it created that day. Everyone has a gift or as I like to say a Miracle inside of them that once expressed or shared becomes a larger miracle then ever believed possible. It becomes larger by affecting those around you with joy, and creating an undoubted memory. Sometimes it just takes time to discover that gift, and sometimes rediscover it when you have let it go for too long in order to see the Miracle. Sometimes it just means remembering that by bringing joy to another person's life can bring joy to your own by purely filling your spirit with hope, love, and yes pride of oneself. Life's struggle is something that everyone at some point and time has to go through. Everyone will struggle at some point (sometimes lots of different points), but not everyone's struggles will be the same. We have struggles with finances, relationships, religion, and even with ourselves. Although the struggles can be similar in nature to one another's it never really is the same, because each individual has a different view, the struggle happens at different times in life, and different experiences. Although person A and person B both struggled with finances they both may survive that struggle in very different ways, and the struggle can be for very different reasons. Person A may have lost a job while Person B worked hard every day but couldn't get out from under past debt. I believe it is in the way that we survive the struggles that we can learn from each other even when the actual experience and struggles are completely different. Surviving is truly the key to life struggles. Once we stop fighting to battle through the struggles of life is when we no longer survive. The way we go about surviving is no more similar person to person as the struggles themselves. Some may make the choice to rely on faith, friends, family, and others may choose to only rely on themselves. The choices of how we survive are choices made individually. We can’t at any time look at another person’s life and compare it to our own because that person had different experiences. You can read as many help books as you would like, or get advice from those around you listening to what they went through as a matter of reference to realize that you are not alone in life struggles. If you decide to follow exactly what they did you will learn that it just won’t work all the time. Every person is different and has different experiences in life and with that the struggles of life are as different as each person is. You can sit a group of people down that survived the same type of struggle in life, and you will get a different view point from each one of them on how it began and how they survived. Today people are simply looking for the easy way out. Looking to others to determine how they should go about their own life without considering that it is just that “their” life. Listen to what others have to say about the things they have gone through, but stop and realize that your life is different from theirs. You have to apply the things you learn from others into your life in a different way, and throw out all the things they did or learned that don’t apply to you. The realization that everyone is different and with that everyone’s life experiences will be different as well, and embrace the difference being grateful for the knowledge that you’re not alone. Have you ever given up a hobby or dream that you truly loved? I gave up a lot of my dreams in order to be a good submissive wife. I never realized how much I had lost until recently. I quit college to be a homemaker (raise the kids), I quit crocheting, sewing, and needle work because it took time away from him and my duties, and I somewhere along the way I quit being who I am. I believe when you give up on your dreams or hobbies for someone else then you truly give up a part of you. I have recently begun my dreams again, and that part of me that I lost is coming to life again. 2012 may give some the opportunity to diet, focus on family or career, but I hope it will give me the part of myself that I lost long ago. Hobbies and dreams are a purpose in life...they can bring you peace, bring you joy, bring you happiness, and bring you love. Don't give them up! With 2012 coming up a lot of people are talking about and considering what their New Year Resolution is going to be. When my kids were younger they would always ask what a new year reso...whatever was, and I would always tell them that it is a goal for the New Year. The very next new year I would get the exact same question followed with what was my goal this last year? It is easy to make a New Year Resolution, but remembering the goal throughout the year is a whole new problem. The New Year slowly just turns into another year, and life just goes on without any consideration of the resolution. I believe that this happens more often then not because people make a very wide open, no plan, very easily dismissed goals. Here is a thought regarding a new way to make a New Year Resolution. Take time over the next few days, and truly think about everything that has happened or been done this year. What are some of the things you would like to of had happen differently? Take a piece of paper, write everything down that just came to mind, and then just think about the things that you wrote. What on that list is even capable of changing? Sometimes when we look at this list we might realize that certain things happened, because of action we took that if we had a do over we wouldn't take again. Sometimes it is a matter of noticing that perhaps we eliminated certain people from our lives over stupid things. Sometimes it is just a matter of noticing a pattern we seem to follow. Noticing these things takes time to really look at the things on our list with an object view point, and attempting to see it as if we were not the ones living that past year. Separate all the items on your list into categories: What I could of changed, What I can still change, Involves changing others (not gonna happen), and What I couldn't change even with a do over. It is time to focus on the first two categories....work on finding a common reason for these things happening. This is where you really notice and have to accept responsibility for your actions in the things that have happened. Now if your not willing to accept that then your New Year Resolution might as well go ahead and go to the trash. The common action that was done by you that had some kind of involvement in these things happening is your New Year Resolution. You can change things about yourself, but you have to first truly see it and take responsibility for it. Write this New Year Resolution on the top of a new piece of paper, and start writing down what you can do to make this change. Have a plan ready before New Year's Eve even gets here. Scan it, or take a picture of what your plan is make that your background for your computer, your cell phone, or tape it to your mirror. Make it so that you are continually reminded that you have a plan, and you want to make this next year a better year. My New Year Resolution?....well I will let you know as soon as I am done making my list. TJ I gave it a lot of thought and decided to go with my top two issues of the last year. I am going to do my best at "Child Focused" Co-Parenting, and focusing on the things that I want accomplished in regards to business and personal aspect of my own life. This has got to be one of the hardest things parents today have to learn. As a married couple parents struggle with difference in views of how their children should be raised, and they type of discipline. Every parent can see the positives and negatives of how they were raised, and often want to raise their children with the positives. The problems usually occur when the parents were raised very differently from one another. These issues increase when the parents never married or are divorced. You not only have different view points, but you also have the struggle of past personal issues between the two parents. It is extremely hard to put the issues between the two parents aside, and only concentrate on the differences regarding the children. An argument about visitation can quickly turn into an argument about what happened while the two parents were together. How do parents get past "their past" and begin a "child focused future"? I don't have the answer! I am in the same boat as everyone else in the situation, but I have found some great websites that have made me stop and think about the situations a little more in depth. Co-Parenting101.org, coparenting.org, andhttp://helpguide.org/mental/coparenting_shared_parenting_divorce.htm I want to share with you some things that I have been thinking about, and hopefully some of you co-parent's can share a little about your views. The main things that I have found not only in my co-parenting relationships, but through research is: Communication, Being "Child Focused" instead of "Parent Focused", and Respect. All of these seem to not only have their own identities in the co-parent relationships, but separate identities as well. Without Respect you generally lose Communication and then you lose being "Child Focused". My question is: How do you respect someone when your always arguing with that person? In some cases: How do you respect someone who has hurt your feelings and caused so much pain for you in the past? For me those two questions are easy, but I have found a question that I haven't been able to truly answer. How do you respect someone who has either hurt your kids or never really participated in being a parent in the past? Arguing is easy because you simply stop. You allow the little things to just go, and the big things you sit down and write out the pro's and con's, your opinion as neutral as possible and let the other parent do the same. Give them your paper and politely ask them to do the same thing so that the two of you can respectfully discuss the situation. The part of them hurting your feelings and causing you pain in the past is just that it's in the past. It's not about you and him/her anymore your ex's for a reason. It is about the wonderful child the two of you created together. The hardest one for me is respecting my ex's that have hurt my kids or not really been a parent. The only solution I have for this is to be there for my kids, to always remember to act with dignity, keep my morals and beliefs to a high regard, and take a very deep breath. Communication has definitely been a down fall for my co-parenting relationships. It always seems like communication is fine and everything is going the way it should, and then suddenly the communication stops. Usually this happens because either they or I have gotten upset about something and when communicating the reason for being upset just starts an argument. I have no real solutions for this except to keep trying. "Child focused" instead of "Parent Focused" today was the first time I have EVER heard this phrase. This is truly the phrase that got me thinking. I always thought of my co-parenting relationships as "Child Focused", but when I was doing my research I realized that it hasn't been. It's not completely my fault or my ex's fault it is just a very fine line that often gets crossed, and because of this leads to arguments or loss of communication, and too often loss of respect. My understanding of the phrase "Child Focused" instead of "Parent Focused" is that you keep all communication about the children not about who is dating who or what is going on in each other's lives. How much easier would it be if you and your ex never talked about your past relationship or your current lives outside of the children? I don't think who the other person is in a relationship should ever matter unless that other person is harming the children. If that person is doing illegal activities, or causing harm to the children then there needs to be communication about it. I don't see how this could not work even if one side of the co-parenting relationship is unwilling to stay on the line of "Child Focused". If at least one parent keeps all communication strictly about the child(ren) then the conversation can't go to the "Parent Focused" side. My plan is to begin focusing more on the "Child Focus" co-parenting with open communication and respect. I will let you know how it turns out. TJ MariammaJones said Dec 24, 2011 Very Nice! Today is the first day I've heard of child focused vs parent focused communication as well. Thanks for sharing this info and relaying your situation in the process. We're all struggling with the "How to deal..." issues and it's good to know I'm not the only one struggling with the process Terra said Dec 26, 2011 It is very important for us all to realize that we are not alone. I will check in every now and then in order to update the "Child Focused" idea of Co-Parenting as I do more research. It will also help since my plan is to begin this type of process. The more I looked into it the more I can truly understand the benefits of a "Child Focused" Co-Parenting. It is very obvious that you and your co-parent can not be in a relationship as a couple, but you have no choice other than to be in the co-parent relationship together. If the only reason you are still having to be in each other's lives is the child(ren) then why should any communication or concern for each others lives be anything except "Child Focused". Why does one ex care about the other ex's current relationship status, who did what wrong in the past relationship, or how you are spending your time when your not with your children? It simply isn't any of the ex's business any more! It is very hard for some to move from the relationship that the two of you had together to the co-parenting relationship. I believe the "Child Focused" Co-Parenting is the only way to truly help the child(ren) accept the relationship going from a combined parenting relationship to a co-parenting relationship. TJ Terra said Dec 28, 2011 The following quote was sent to me via the Contact Me form... Maybe the Co-parenting thing has to do with the other parent not wanting their child around trash or being taught immoral values. So therefore it IS important who the other parent is with or where they choose to spend time. It's called being a "real" parent and protecting the child from bad influences. This one is a little more difficult for me to answer, however I am going to attempt to answer this as I would for someone sending me this message without me having knowledge of the actual situation. Children are being taught immoral values via TV, radio, music, peers, etc. Each parent in the co-parenting relationship is going to have their own set of values, and it is each parent's responsibility to teach the children their moral values. Overall the children are going to grow up deciding on their own what their moral values are. The thoughts of the person who is currently with your ex being someone you don't want your children around are typical of a "Parent Focused" co-parenting, and not a "Child Focused" Co-Parenting. You’re not always going to like nor do you get the choice of who your ex chooses to be in a relationship with, but you do get the choice of being a positive role model for the child(ren) and teaching them that you recognize their right to have their own feelings regarding your ex's relationship with someone new. Unless the other parent or that parent's new partner are being abusive mentally or physically to the child(ren), or involved in illegal activity as the other co-parent just leave it alone. Co-Parenting with the "Child Focused" attitude means that unless it is about the child(ren) you don't even talk about it. Being a "real" parent means remembering that your child(ren) are hurting regarding the co-parent's not being together, and eliminating one parent, continually talking bad about the other parent, or arguing on a day to day basis with the other parent is just causing them more hurt. Realizing that everything you do today in regards to Co-Parenting will affect how your child(ren) view you when they get older and look back at their lives. In my opinion and my choice as a mother I want my child(ren) to see that positive role model that made every attempt to help them with the changes in their lives, and not the negative role model that continually caused them more pain. We made the choice to have a relationship with our co-parent's which led to that parent being a part of our child(ren)'s lives, and with that it is our responsibility to remember that the children deserve the right to have a continued relationship with that person.
We rush through life with determination, and belief that we have heard all that surrounds us. I ask you this: Did you hear it or did you listen to it?
When I was young there was a elderly gentlemen who attended our church that I was drawn to. I found him fascinating and remember thinking he was more special than anyone knew. He was baptized the same day I was, but it wasn't our age difference that really made it special. It wasn't the fact that so many of us were baptized ages 7-80+ (give or take a few years). It was special because I got to share that special day with a man who listened. He was blind and sometimes had difficulty hearing, but he listened. When he spoke it wasn't often nor lengthy but you felt his words. I often think about him today and when I do I am reminded to listen. Sometimes it is important to just SHUT UP and listen, and sometimes it even takes stopping what you are doing and listening. We often tell our children to be quiet and listen or stop and listen, but as adults we forget to do the same. We are missing so much in the world just because we don't truly listen. We often hear the words someone has said to us, but don't always listen to the meaning behind them. There are times when I have stopped and just listened to the world, and often have been completely surprised by what I heard. I learned that the words we speak don't always represent what we are saying, but our tone does. Do you hear the sadness in a persons voice although their face and words represent another emotion? Do you hear the child who says everything is fine, but is truly crying inside? Do you hear the elderly woman who states she likes being alone really saying please visit again soon? If you are hearing these then your truly listening otherwise all you have done is heard a few words. I believe that we as a society have stopped listening, because it takes time. If we stop and listen we may have to stop and visit the elderly woman again, ask the hard question of why a person is sad, and take time to ensure the child is loved! We have TV, computers, work, cooking, eating (usually in front of a TV), cleaning, etc...to do we can't stop and listen. From today until Christmas I dare you to STOP and LISTEN! Take time to visit the elderly, talk to a old friend, pull out the old dusty board games with the kids, and listen. I bet you will be surprised of what you hear. With Christmas fast approaching everyone begins decking the halls, and crowding the aisles of local stores. I have found myself dragging my feet, and avoided the stores as much as possible. A lot of it could be chalked up to my first Christmas without my darling kids, but the more I think of Christmas the more determined I become to change what it has become. I want the traditions I grew up with, and some I didn’t to be alive again with the love, spirit of giving, joy, hope, and peace. I am not able to make all the changes this year, but I can get a head start for next season.
Spirit of Giving is going to be the first thing I change. Going to a store picking out an object, spending money, and sometimes even having someone else wrap it is not the spirit of giving. It is however the spirit of material items and money matters more than time and love. What happen to handmade or homemade gifts and Christmas cards? The gifts given with more love and spirit are the gifts you create. We just don’t think about Christmas or giving until the season arrives then we don’t have time. Giving is not one day out of the year, but a yearlong season of love. It’s about taking time away from the TV, computer or phone to create something out of love. There are always excuses that can be used like “I’m just too busy”, “I don’t know how to make things”, and my favorite “It’s cheaper to just buy something”. Everyone is “too busy” the question is what can you not do to make extra time. Think about all the times you sit waiting on the doctor, the kids, or the time you spend entertaining yourself. These are times that you can multitask and make something. Handmade Christmas cards, crotchet scarves, hats, etc…hand stitch pieces of fabric for a quilt or clothing. You can also use this time to read and learn a new gift, and that takes away the “don’t know how.” Instead of spending a large sum right away budget $10 or $20 a month to go towards materials for the gifts. Imagine being able to spend $10 a month, add in your love and time, and making a gift worth over $120.00 instead of the $20 you would have spent. For several projects you could make two or more gifts on the $10 a month budget. Joy, Hope, and Peace: These are three items on a holiday list that rarely become filled. It is a list I have set as a high priority goal for not only Christmas, but a year round, every day goal. I want to see the Joy in other’s eyes, the Hope for tomorrow expressed in their actions, and a Peace of mind that can conquer any struggles life can deal. I am only one person so I can’t fulfill everyone’s list for these, but I can begin with one person, and then another. I can start with my family, then friends, and then will who knows. Do you remember the movie “Pay It Forward”? That little boy bringing such Joy, Hope and Peace to others even those he never meet. I believe when you bring Joy, Hope and Peace to even one person it shows through them, and in turn may bring Joy, Hope and Peace to someone you have never meet. Love, Spirit of Giving, Joy, Hope and Peace are not only for Christmas time, but for every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every month of every year. In the end “Really it is just life…” but it is so much more when it is “Really it is just life full of love, spirit of giving, joy, hope and peace”. Life is what you make of it while you have it so let’s put the excuses in a box, wrap it up, give it to someone, and see which if any of those five they get from it? Better yet forget excuses and spend the year creating them. |
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